There was fruit on the tray, four sections of whitish-orange jackfruit. I picked them up carefully, one at a time, sitting with my knees against my breasts, my chin in the valley between them. Television. I was going on television again, that was why they gave me fruit. I ate it slowly, rocking back and forth and staring at the wall.My first time had been very hard. I hadn't wanted to read the words and I'd refused. So they'd beaten me from the waist down with truncheons of rubber hose filled with sand. I hadn't been able to walk or even stand, but I'd been able to read what they told me to as I sat on a chair. My face had not been marked then, not once, nor had my arms or shoulders. Any part of me that would be seen by my friends and family was clean and soft and unbruised. It shamed me.The second time I'd been more ready and I protested silently, staring into the camera as if my eyes would tell the truth. My voice was a flat monotone without emotion, unlike the month previous when. For me it was a spiritual torture caused by how I learned about sexuality. Mine was a product of guilt, of right and wrong, good and bad, a labelling of certain sexual behaviors as sinful that created a person like me. It created a boy who wanted to have a woman’s experience in bed yet wanting to avoid the intimacy with a man that this experience would require. I don’t think I can exaggerate just how odd this made me feel. I couldn’t imagine kissing a man. I couldn’t imagine him hugging me, groping me, penetrating me. I couldn’t imagine dating a boy. Even with her anatomy, I didn’t have the vocabulary of a girl. If I had spontaneously changed sexes, even if I did so today, I believe I would be a lesbian at best and a slightly odd one. I doubt I could even stomach the idea of sex with a butch female. Denying even the slightest possibility that I was gay left me alone in a fantasy world where all women were stereotypical, model beauties. All people were perfectly sculpted women in.
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